“We really wish people would stop repopulating the Earth. It’s chockful of people already, certainly too many to send birthday cards to, and so far as we can tell the only reason many of them exist is to run us (the perpetual pedestrian) over with their cars.
Everywhere we go we see couples pushing strollers, and they all have that smug look like they’ve done something special. They have. They’ve virtually guaranteed, since there isn’t enough food to go around, that somebody else’s baby will go hungry.
The only way to stop the endless cycle of birth, suffering, and death is to cut out the first part. But people don’t care. They blindly go on procreating, ruining a perfectly good sex act and virtually guaranteeing that we’ll never have a quiet meal in a restaurant. Somebody’s kid is always causing a scene.
Our own personal feeling is that there shouldn’t be more than six babies on the face of the Earth at any one time. We were going to say five, but we’re feeling profligate.
Man is a failed experiment, as history shows. We’ve brought nothing but misery to ourselves and to all the species around us. All our much touted achievements are as nothing compared to our track record of war, genocide, rape, environmental depredation, and reality shows. Every time we think of having a kid we remind ourselves that she’ll most likely end up being murdered or, even worse, as a contestant on The Bachelorette.
We realize that babies will always be born, because blind instinct always trumps rational thought. We’re here to procreate, and by God we’ll do it no matter who gets hurt. We look at babies and we try to imagine their futures and all that comes to mind is that, if they live long enough, they can look forward to working until they’re 80 before they’ll be able to retire. Then they’ll go senile and their own children will abandon them. Because that’s human instinct too. We were young once, and lacked the good sense to die in an automobile accident. Now we have to go to work every day, and wonder what the point is. Well, the point is there is no point. We’re the species whose highest achievement is to realize the point is there is no point. We’re here to watch cooking shows, if we’re lucky enough to live in the First World, or to die at 3 of malnutrition, if we’re even luckier and live in the Third World.”
